Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
