I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
