I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
