I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You're like the curious george of whores
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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