He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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