i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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