Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
