Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
