I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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