you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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