how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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