State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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