I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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