Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
