The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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