watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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