When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
