So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
