If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize