Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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