i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
