i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
