obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
