I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
