I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
