If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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