Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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