I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
