it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
