I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It's never too late to be topless.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My life is pants optional.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
