well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
