2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
There r osticjed everywhere
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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