I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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