Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
