I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize