Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
