Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
