life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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