the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My ass is underappreciated
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
