there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
