i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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