The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
