well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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