kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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