you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
