shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
This toilet bowl is my home.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
