I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
