Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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