someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
