My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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