I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
