Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
