I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
