I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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