I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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