Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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