a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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