Fuck appropriateness.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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