he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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