I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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