As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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