There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
