If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
