just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
They took my balls.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
