he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
