How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i may or may not be watching the land before time
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
